As so many of us go through life, we encounter ups and downs. Well today I’m sharing a more personal post. In July 2005, the day I walked down the aisle I couldn’t have been happier. I think as I look back on that day, I realized that I was more excited about planning the wedding than actually getting married. Maybe that was a tell tale sign that I just didn’t take heed to, nonetheless I’s married now I thought.
The first two years were okay, and I do mean okay. I just imagined things would get better. Year three hit, and that’s when I saw the fun loving person starting to dwindle away. I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back. My outer appearance was changing drastically, and I didn’t want to face the reason why. I went on with my everyday life as if I was okay, but I wasn’t. I was so unhappy in my marriage and turned to food as comfort. No one knew what I was feeling, and I was ashamed to tell them.
Each year got worse and worse, and I finally came to terms with what was going on. I didn’t want to be married anymore, and Depression had reared its ugly head. Wow, I thought me depressed! Not the girl who always has a Smile on her face. How could this be happening? So, as the years kept going, so did my weight. Depression is real and it will affect you in so many ways. Now, this was something I definitely wasn’t going to share with anyone. How could I have failed in my marriage? How could I have allowed myself to gain so much weight?
Everyday was like a vicious cycle, I went to work (faked the smile), came home and ate and ate. I found myself staying in my bed more because I just couldn’t face the world. I knew I had to go to work, bills got to get paid. Outside of that what was the point in leaving the house. I cried a great deal because my emotions were all over the place. You see that’s what Depression does, it leaves you feeling empty and alone. The funniest thing though, I went to the doctor for a routine visit, and I got on the scale. When I saw my weight I just knew someone must have been on my back. No way, I would be weighing 156lbs at 4’9.
Now my husband never physically abuse me, it was more verbal abuse. For me, verbal abuse is so much harder to deal with. With physical at least the bruise will go away (Sidenote: not that I’m advocating either one.) But, how do you get the verbal words thrown at you out of your head?? I replayed them over and over until I was about to explode. I sunk deeper in depression. So what, finally led me to get it together, was the day I found out my husband of six years had cheated. However, I do realize women and men cheat, but I refuse to be with someone who wasn’t going to treat me like the Queen I am.
That day I said I will not be a Victim anymore and I will take back my life. So, that’s exactly what I did. I jump started my weight loss with a natural diet supplement, and did light exercises. I changed from binge eating, and opted for a more healthy approach. Week two I started to see a change, and I got excited. I was finally on the right path to getting back to the person I use to be. Fast forward to reaching my goal, it was my birthday and I was down 32lbs. Now when I looked in the mirror, I saw me again.
Yeah the weight was just one area I needed to work on. I needed to also work on the inside of me. I prayed more than I can ever remember. I wanted God to take these demons out of me and make me completely whole again. When I say prayer works, if you don’t believe me try it. I was starting to be more social again, as I wasn’t ashamed of my outer appearance, and I enjoyed myself. I thought I should do this more often…
Don’t always assume if someone has a smile on their face, that their happy. They could be masking how they really feel inside. Also reach out to someone if you’re experiencing signs of depression. Call 1-800-662-4357, if you’re experience any type of mental issues. Someone is always willing to help, you don’t have to face it alone.
Although I’ve put on a few pounds from my original goal, I’m okay with that and I will get back on track. I couldn’t be happier, as I’m finally doing what I love. Just find what makes you happy, and like Nike say Just Do It… In my Destiny Child voice, I AM A SURVIVOR, I’m not going to give up.
Hugs and Kisses!